Short Squirrel Jokes

Q: Why do squirrels swim on there back?

A: To keep their nuts dry!

 

Q: Why shouldn’t you rape a tree?

A: There might be a squirrel in there looking for nuts.

 

Q: How many squirrels does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Actually, none because squirrels only change bulbs that are NUT broken.

 

Q: Why does it take more than one squirrel to screw in a light bulb?

A: Because they’re so darn stupid!

 

Q: How do you catch a carpenter squirrel (definition: a squirrel that likes power tools)?

A: Go to Home Depot and pretend to be nut-wood.

 

Q: How do you catch a squirrel interested in ornithology?

A: Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch (Sitta carolinensis).

 

Q: How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?

A: Climb a tree and act like a coconut.

 

Q: How can you catch a gay squirrel?

A: Climb a tree and pretend to be an almond (botanically speaking, almonds are fruits).

 

Q: How do you catch a squirrel with a Pamela Anderson fixation?

A: Climb a tree and act like a chestnut.

 

Q: How do you catch a mechanically inclined squirrel?

A: Climb a tree and act like a 9/16th nut.

 

Q: How do you catch a squirrel for the holidays?

A: Climb a tree and act like nutmeg.

 

Q: How do you catch an Irish squirrel?

A: Climb a tree and act like a green pistachio nut.

 

Q: How do you catch a European Squirrel?

A: Climb a tree and act like a metric nut.

 

Q: How do you catch an English Squirrel?

A: Climb a tree and act like nutty.

 

Q: How do you catch a rich squirrel?

A: Climb a tree and act like a cashew.

Drunk Squirrel tries to Climb Tree

Now some people try claim this is me after a few too many Dark’n’Stormy drinks, but honestly why would a squirrel drink dark rum mixed with ginger beer?  Because it is awesome –

Did you really ask me that? 

Now, people are still asking me to bring out the “Squirrels Gone Wild” videos from South Padre Island in ’98, but I’m trying to keep this site sort of clean – you know?  I mean there’s plenty of sites out there if that’s your thing, not that it isn’t my thing, but if it’s your thing, there’s things out there for your thing.  Now if you are thinking I’m drinking a Dark’n’Stormy right now, well…. let me tell you from experience that a drunk squirrel can climb a tree, but apparently this light weight has one little bit of rotted pumpkin or something and he’s fallen over himself like Justin Bieber fans – damn I dislike that guy…..



Squirrels DO NOT wear Collars

Ha ha, ha….

Everybody loves cats and dogs right? Yeah, not me buddy…

Cats – don’t even get me stared on why they are praised as being so loveable, and the star power you people give them? You wonder why they feel justified in puking in your shoes and just looking at you like:

What – did you not see my video is up to 2,000,000 million views on YouTube? Bow to the kitty, bow to the kitty!!

If you people were smart, you’d slap them with your sharp claws – you don’t have sharp claws? Well, you best find some skippy….

And dogs… well they seem to just want love and attention so they ain’t all bad, well except those that seem to think it would be fun to chase a squirrel up a tree. Didn’t I just get done drinking a bunch of rum? Like I need some canine all raged up on Purina thinking I need to test my drunken agility….



Harry Potter relatives create Squirrel obstacle course

Now who thought this was a good idea?

What sick b*st*rd dreams this stuff up?

I mean if you have the time to create something like this, it is certainly a testament to the decay of today’s society.

Perhaps even worse, I have to wonder what all these crazy Harry Potter people must have done to my poor squirrel relatives over there to get them involved in this crap. I mean they don’t look drunk, drugged, or infected by the Zombie Apocalypse so what is going on? No way in hell you’d get me climbing, swinging, and running around this stuff… not to say I haven’t done most of this stuff under certain influences, but not to the step and fetch of some human. I mean… I love you guys and all, and I’m happy to provide this site for you guys, and really thankful when you click on a link and maybe help out the kid’s nut funds, but come on……



Making the net better – one nut at a time.