Q: Why do squirrels swim on there back?
A: To keep their nuts dry!
Q: Why shouldn’t you rape a tree?
A: There might be a squirrel in there looking for nuts.
Q: How many squirrels does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Actually, none because squirrels only change bulbs that are NUT broken.
Q: Why does it take more than one squirrel to screw in a light bulb?
A: Because they’re so darn stupid!
Q: How do you catch a carpenter squirrel (definition: a squirrel that likes power tools)?
A: Go to Home Depot and pretend to be nut-wood.
Q: How do you catch a squirrel interested in ornithology?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch (Sitta carolinensis).
Q: How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Q: How can you catch a gay squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and pretend to be an almond (botanically speaking, almonds are fruits).
Q: How do you catch a squirrel with a Pamela Anderson fixation?
A: Climb a tree and act like a chestnut.
Q: How do you catch a mechanically inclined squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a 9/16th nut.
Q: How do you catch a squirrel for the holidays?
A: Climb a tree and act like nutmeg.
Q: How do you catch an Irish squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a green pistachio nut.
Q: How do you catch a European Squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a metric nut.
Q: How do you catch an English Squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like nutty.
Q: How do you catch a rich squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a cashew.